Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: A couple of weeks ago I broke up with "Steve." We'd been together five years, living together for two. I'd told him I saw moving in as a step toward marriage, and then I outright asked him three times. Each time Steve said getting engaged was a "goal" for him but he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be.
My younger sister, "Emma," got engaged recently, and it made me realize I want what she has — a man who enthusiastically wants to marry her. Emma just moved out of the house she shared with my other sister, opening up an opportunity for me to make a swift, clean break. I took my dog and the few things that were 100 percent mine and moved out.
To my surprise, Steve now wants to get married, says he can't stand to lose me, misses the life we had together, but I don't know. I love him, but I didn't move out to force him to marry me. It's clear that at age 35 marriage and children aren't a priority to him or he'd have said yes to me before. A reluctant husband and father for my children is the last thing I want.
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Steve says I'm throwing away everything for some "fantasy man" who may not exist. I'm 31 and need to get going if I'm going to find a man who wants the same things I do. Am I making a mistake if I turn Steve away?
— I Don't Know
I Don’t Know: Someone who actually wants to marry you enough to think of it himself is not a “fantasy man.”
Steve, however, sounds like a jerk.
I’m sorry he lacked the emotional capacity to feel anything beyond his immediate comfort.
If you think I’m being too tough on the guy, look again at his reaction. Where’s the “I want you to be happy” line of thinking? That’s the basis of a selfless, loving response.
You saw something in your sister’s experience that made life-changing sense to you. Trust it, please. It might not turn out as you hope — that you fall in love with someone who feels the same about you — but even if it doesn’t, then you’ll still be living on your terms, doing what you feel you need to do — not agreeing with a guy who just told you his oh-all-right-if-you-insist proposal is the best you can do.
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To Steve's ex: I did the math, and this is what I got: "he can't stand to lose me" + "throwing away everything we built together for some 'fantasy man' " = man who is telling you that (1) his comfort is what is important to him, (2) your qualms mean diddly-squat to him, and (3) you can't do better than him so you might as well settle.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: That’s how it looked to me.
Re: Steve: I've been Steve. And I was being selfish, but at the time, I was hurt, sad and confused. Can we cut him a little slack and not assume he's a manipulative jerk?
Steve: [stands up] “I’m Steveacus!”
Fair enough, but the sympathetic version of the list in full is actually hurt, sad, confused and immature. I’ll retract the “jerk.” For now.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
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